Predictability, Control and Reason, Oh My…

I’m often wanting predictability and control. I want to know WHY I’m feeling better or worse. Surely there’s some reason or explanation for how I’m feeling.

Simple cause and effect. When I do this I’ll get that. This helps me feel good, that leaves me feeling worse. Is that too much to ask for?

girl rolling dice
Sick or not, everyday is a roll of the dice…

I’ve experienced both ends of this continuum. Sometimes, when I’m having a “relapse”, I’ll say to a friend of mine “I have no idea why I’m falling apart”. He knows I track sleep, exercise and other things, so he’ll ask. I’ll look at my calendar and realize I’ve completely overdone it – again. And yet, my reaction before looking at my own data was a helpless Poor, poor me… L. The cause and effect was there, but I was too busy pity-partying…

Other times, the connection of how I feel to what I’ve done or not done is WAY less clear. I’ve followed my self-care strategies to the T, and yet here I am feeling sick again. It can be tempting to go back to the pity party again (I’ve succumbed more than I care to admit).

And yet, the opportunity lies in our interpretation and reaction to the seemingly random flare-ups of symptoms. It’s a bit of faulty thinking to think that you or anybody, understands your particular ailment(s) enough to predict and control it with 100% accuracy. If that were true, none of us would be sick would we? Your body is complicated. REALLY complicated.

So, consider letting go of at least some “reason” around this. Consider 60 or 70% control and predictability of symptoms – connected to what you do and don’t do – being as good as it gets. Maybe 50%. And, don’t let go of what you DO know, or your willingness to keep learning.

You can fight your latest unreasonable flare-up or relapse at your own risk. Rail against it if you like. And I ask; Are you adding to or subtracting from your suffering? Yep that’s right, yet another opportunity to choose… “This being the case, how shall I proceed?”. ~Z