“Had” to say no again… :(

yes NO maybeI just said “no” to something I really wanted to do.

Damnit!

If I’d have followed my emotions of excitement and anticipation, I’d have said “yes”. Used to be, I could use those emotions as a reliable guide to make certain decisions. Does it sound fun? Interesting? Exciting? Relaxing? Then DO IT!

Nowadays, I know to pause before deciding – to step back and look at my choices from a respectable distance.

I could tell myself that I “have to say no”. But that’s a lie. I could have said yes and lived with the costs of several days of recovery and feeling crappy (and sometimes getting depressed if I really over-do things). Other times, I might choose to say yes anyway and hope the cost is worth it.

But not now. Not this time. Damnit! I’m pissed I’m not well enough to do this! I SHOULD be healthy enough to do this! It’s not FAIR! Why me?!

Okay, venting (or should I say “pity party”?) over for now… I’ll be with the sadness and anger, and that little shaming voice saying somehow I’m “less than” because I can’t always rise above my limitations (actually more of a whine this time about not being able to do what I want when I want…).

And then I’ll give myself a break and bless myself for making the better decision that hurts – for acting in alignment with what I know – with what I PROMISED myself are my higher values and most important priorities.

As they say, “you can’t do everything”. Sometimes I’m pissed about that. And yet I feel stronger for knowing the choice is mine. Sure the bar is lower. But for now at least, there’s still a bar…   ~Z