Care-taking is an act of aggression. If you’re not ready to swallow that, read Part I again.
When I do something that appears to be FOR you but actually is for ME – is that not similar to passive aggression? Except it’s not passive, it’s active. Passive aggression is an indirect form of resistance or hostility – like being late or “forgetting” commitments. Care-taking is more nuanced and sophisticated than that – it is aggression disguised as “doing something nice”. It is doing someone a favor that they didn’t ask for (and still expecting gratitude). Isn’t that f**ked up?
A paradox of care-taking, is that when we care-take, we hurt ourselves as well as perpetrating on others whom we need for support: friends, family AND paid professionals and caregivers.
It’s like this: If I don’t ask you for something I want or need – using the “story” that I’m protecting you as an excuse (because you are SO busy with other things more important than me…), I’ve done a disservice to both of us. Do you get how that might be care-taking? Because by NOT ASKING, I am avoiding MY possible discomfort of you saying “no” – or my discomfort of possibly causing you discomfort.
By the same token, if I let someone care-take me with their ideas of what I need, I’m giving up my power and frankly disrespecting them by pretending and withholding my truth.
Both cases – though examples of NOT doing something – (the more “active” type of ca-taking will be explored in Part III) – could be viewed through a lens of dysfunctional rescue – I’m rescuing you even though you may not need rescued. There’s nothing empowering about that – for anyone…
Care-taking is a lose/lose proposition. Nobody wins. Yet we tolerate it because it looks like everybody wins!
Sneaky little thing that… ~Z